All things. Even me.

I make all things new.

– Jesus

It’s been a long time since I felt anything so deeply resonating truth through my soul.

I was curled up in my chair, weeping so loudly my dogs left the room, watching a movie depicting the crucifixion of Jesus. I watch it every year on Good Friday.  There is a scene when Jesus is carrying the cross, bloodied and broken, and He falls down on the street while His mother looks on. She flashes back to Him as a small boy, falling and scraping His knees. It’s in slow motion of course, for added dramatic effect, and any mom with a little boy is guaranteed to lose it at least for a moment as she relates to Mary. Which is precisely what I did.

As Mary rushed to His side, weeping, Jesus’ eyes met hers and He cried out to her, “See mother? I make all things new!” He grabbed the cross with a surge of strength and lifted it to His back and continued on up the hill to Calvary.

Now I’m fully aware that this scene is a creative liberty and doesn’t exist in scripture.

But I was so caught up in the deep, guttural emotion of what God and Mary both would have been feeling, watching their Son tortured unto death,  that it made my thankfulness that much more real to me. (I’m not kidding when I say I scared the dogs). And the second He uttered those words “I make all things new,” I cried out “Even me!”

The movie is too gruesome for me and I have to fast forward some scenes because I can’t bear it. But I’m thankful for how real it made His crucifixion for me. I’m thankful that I was able to grasp a little deeper what He went through.


Worlds Apart

I’ve been thinking a lot about where I’ve come in the last year, and the deeper I look into it, the more it blows me away. Earlier this January I made a comment on my Facebook wall about how the Mayans were right – my world did end in 2012. My marriage, some very deep friendships, my home, and my family came crashing down around me. My world ended – and a new life began. My life as a broken woman, completely lost and alone, began with the shattering of something awful, and the promise of something new.

My life has grown not out of the remains, but in a fresh place, filled with new people, a new town, a new job, a new home, and a completely new me.

I used to sing this song so freely on my worship team, called “Holiness” – made most popular by Sonicflood. I used to beg God to break me, and make me into something new.

For years, my favourite song was “Worlds Apart” by Jars of Clay.

So really, I asked for it. And I had no idea it would hurt so much, or what it would mean. But now, after a fresh start, and after the pain has subsided and the brokenness has given birth to something fresh and alive – I am so thankful. Not only for the new creation He has made out of me, but of the grace that drenched me in my brokenness, and for His faithfulness during my darkest days.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! – 2 Corinthians 5:17

2012 was dark. It was heavy, and bitter, and lonely, and miserable. I was completely broken – bent and twisted and utterly pathetic. But with that brokenness came the ability to hand everything over to God. I had nothing left, I had nowhere else to turn, and nothing else to cling to but His grace and His promise of unconditional love. As soon as I let go of my pain, and let go of the need to be in control of my life, the night ended and the sun began to rise.

His joy comes with the morning. And morning has come, and with it all the light and newness and freshness of the dawn. I can’t wait to see what He’s going to do each day. I finally feel like I am at home, and I feel like He has given me a song in my heart again, after so many months of silence and desperation. I am alive! And it feels wonderful, and each new morning is a gift and an opportunity to rejoice and praise Him for who He is and what He’s done!

I’m sure there are some of you who’ve watched me go through last year and wondered if I’d ever be okay. I have drawn much strength from some of my dearest friends, and I am forever grateful to them… Brandy, who is always in prayer for me, and always giving me a word from the Lord, whether I want to hear it and whether she wants to say it or not… Kristel, who loves me without asking of me or judging anything about me – just loves… Khoral, who hurts with me, cries with me, laughs with me, inhales sushi with me, stargazes by a bonfire until the wee hours or snuggles kittens in the hay loft with me… Dawn, who never fails to check in and send me love and random owls… Karen, who loves me over great distances of time and space, who hugs me like it’s the first and last time she’ll ever hug me every time, and who will kiss my cheek and jump up and down with excitement to see me even in a crowded Montana’s and no matter who’s watching… Adam, who shoots so straight I could smack him half the time for his honesty, but whose heart is kind, his words sincere and his concern for me often brings me to tears… I am a blessed woman because I could go on and on with this list of dear ones in my life. Father, thank You for blessing me with these true friends.

In my darkness, I can only pray that the light that kept burning – although only a small candle for so long – was enough to see Jesus in. I pray that it continues to grow into a mighty forest fire that consumes the bitterness and brokenness of those around me and draws them in to the love of Christ as well. I just can’t believe the works He has done in my life this year.

…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6

He doesn’t make mistakes. When He starts something, He will see it through. His promises never fail. His mercy never ends. And His joy will always be my strength!

If you are lost, broken, or hurting – put your faith in Jesus. If He could turn my pathetic life into a happy, fulfilled, meaningful one filled with light and love – He can – and wants to – do the same for you. It only takes a leap of faith, that may rip the ground from under your feet – but He WILL catch you…